9/30/11

White Knuckles

I’m sitting in the van fidgeting with buttons on my camera and scanning my Twitter feed as teams of shirtless runners jog by preparing for one of the biggest collegiate cross country meets of the year. My team is one of those teams and I’m left behind. It is my senior year at WT and final xc season. We are young, very talented and have incredibly relentless hearts. I was completely looking forward to what I could lead my team to this season. But it seems that God had a different plan in His heart than the one I had in mine.

Last Sunday after an easy run with the team. A teammate prayed with me just before I walked up to my coach and surrendered my senior season of cross. I said, “I’m done. My body can’t do it anymore.” As soon as the words came from my mouth my heart became much lighter. My legs ache as I write this. Ever since I suffered a stress fracture in both shins and left femur my freshman year of cross my legs have ached.

For a while now I’ve felt the tug on my heart, “let go, let go”. I’ve written it off as that’s just negativity. I can do this. Cross country is a incredibly tough sport and it takes tough people to do it. There is going to be obstacles and pain, but you fight through it. I was not going to be the one who couldn’t hack it. I wasn’t a quitter and I would absolutely NOT let my team down. I would try and motivate myself to get through workouts and meets by searching for a way to glorify God in the situation.

While all these were very “noble” and “genuine” thoughts and attempts to keep my legs moving, there was more to it. This tug on my heart wasn’t just an emotion and it wasn’t just the physical pain in my body. It was God. And I was being disobedient. I would lie about how my body felt for fear of being forced out of my comfort zone. Competitively running for 10 years. I would grit my teeth and get through not only because of my love of competing and love of my team, but also because the love of being comfortable. My knuckles were white from holding on to what I wanted. It wasn’t on my timing so it wasn’t going to happen. I wasn’t ready.

The last few weeks of getting through my heart was dragging. From the physical pain, from the stress, from the discouragement, from beating myself up over the decision that was around the corner. From the thoughts of what people would think when I finally let go. But the heaviest weight of all was disobeying my creator who knows my body better than I.

And his affection for you is even greater, as he remembers the obedience of you all, how you received him with fear and trembling. (2 Corinthians 7:15 ESV)

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16 ESV)

We all have something in our lives we just refuse to let go of. Times we’ve been hurt, athletics, people. Whatever it may be, it is nothing compared to who He is. .My legs may not be making a difference in my teams score and my legs may be wasting away, but I know he has a different role for me in their lives. His plan and glory is so much bigger than a running career. It is just a matter of letting go and expectantly waiting on Him.